Sunday, 21 August 2016

The Climate Chat


Zac (TV host) : And today we are pleased to have the country leading climate expert.
Duncan : That is a bit of a simplification, I last studded climate 8 years ago.
Zac : So what do you study now?
Dun : Ecology still – I am looking at bio-digestors
Zac : Shit stirring/
Dun : Bit more involved.
Zac : So by now Kent and London should have sunk.
Dun : An over simplification – CO2 started cooling the weather in 1995.
Zac : Interesting (Gets out file) now lets see
'the seas will have risen by at least 5 meters by 2012
Dun : Sorry – things were a bit oversimplified back then. We are now predicting it will take 2000 years for that to definitely;y happen.
Zac : Based on?
Dun : A research grant we had to justify. Everybody knows that CO2 has risen – we just didn't realise how good carbon reduction schemes would be.
Zac : And plants.
Dun : Plants?
Zac : Yes, plants on the land and sea take in CO2 down to 2 part per million to do photosynthesis.
Dun :But there are limits.
Zac : So you are familiar with biology are you.
Dun : God no – I am a physics professor. I get 20 million pounds very year to do research.
Zac : I didn't realise there was so much money in shit.
Dun : That is a holding tactic until we get new research.
Zac : Into?
Dun : Don't know – but the answer will be nuclear power.
Zac : Why so sure?
Dun : Because they will pay for the research. Like they paid for the initial work on Global Warming.
Zac : Initial?
Dun : All
Zac : So plants fix CO2 in the afternoon air, at just 2 part per million.
Dun : Only during the day.
Zac : Every day – CO2 has been static since before industry.
Dun : Are you sure?
Zac : Basic High School biology.
Dun : That's it – I never said I did biology.
Zac : At high school.
Dun : Not since. But then we have ice ages – less photosynthesis – CO2 levels must rise then.
Zac : Indeed they do. During a period of massive cooling.
Dun : How can you be sure it is water ice? It might be CO2 ice.
Zac : -56.6oC – that is a hell of a winter.
Dun : OK – but plants evolve.
Zac : Indeed they do. In the Jurassic it was at 4ppm. Except during the 3 natural ice-ages. When it was 8ppm.
Dun : Your point being?
Zac : CO2 has been fixed at 2ppm since the little ice age. When it rose to 4ppm. So CO2 rises in a cooling phase of the weather. You should have picked 'Global Cooling'.
Dun We would have done – with the little ice age as man started burning carbon fuels, but in the year of Chernobyl the weather was warming.
Zac : So Global Warming was based on the natural phase of the weather. Nothing to do with CO2.
Dun : Oh course it is the greatest minds on the planet have been telling you for 30 years.
Zac : And are now in charge of the compost heap. Right over to Prof Felix, who has got a steam plasma doing nuclear fusion. Power with no CO2.
Dun : But Uranium nuclear power does that.

Zac : And no hyper toxic waste. Do get your coat – it is raining outside, and you might get wet, waiting for your bus.

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